What is Borderline Personality Disorder? According to WebMd.com, it can be defined as "a mental illness that causes intense mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and severe problems with relationships and self-worth" (1)

There are ways that Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is diagnosed. Psychiatrists follow a guide called the DSM IV which lists every mental health condition, their criterion and their treatments. According to the DSM IV, BPD is characterized by: (2)

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

In my experience, BPD can be very scary and almost euphoric. I can think back to many relationships that I've "messed up" and for the longest time I didn't know why. My moods were always up and down; always intense and hard to control. I felt out of control. In my worst moments, it was almost as if I was having out-of-body experiences where I wasn't myself. It was more than not thinking before speaking; I knew exactly what I was saying and thinking, and at the time, the most horrible things seemed more than plausible. I would be the most vicious with those I loved the most and were closest to me. I deeply loved them one moment, and hated them the next, most of the time because I felt abandoned. This abandonment was imagined, and yet I was without a doubt in my mind being abandoned. I would do anything I could to avoid this abandonment, which seemed unavoidable.

There was something wrong with me. I was feeling worthless and helpless. How could anyone love an emotional freak? I did everything I could to change who I was, but nothing seemed to work. There was something wrong with me, but I didn't know what. I turned to things like pot and sex to cope with my emotions. I also was trying to be someone else. I was trying to be the person others thought I should be, or at least what I thought they wanted me to be. Then the pot and sex turned into unhealthy ways to cope with everyday life. I knew that these things weren't effective. I even felt worse after doing them. And yet they offered the temporary relief I so desperately wanted.

I've been in the hospital four times total, as a result of suicidal thoughts. I didn't really want to die; I just wanted a way out. At the time I had already been diagnosed with depression, but I knew there was something else seriously wrong. No one would help me. They didn't want to help me. I know now that this wasn't the case. On the fourth and final hospital visit I was talking with the social worker. I remember trying to explain the reasons for my actions. And yet I didn't even know what they were myself. She then told me that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I was scared at first. BPD for many years has had this stigma attached to it, simply because we have only just learned how to treat it in the past 20 years. People with this disorder were labeled untreatable in the psychology realm, and were considered outcasts in society. When the social worker handed me some information however, I became extremely relieved. I read the DSM IV, and for the first time I wasn't a freak. I knew what was wrong with me and that there was hope. I would be okay!

I enrolled in BPD-specific therapy known as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT. This was developed by Marsha Linehan, a professor at the University of Washington. It consisted of one-on-one therapy with a counselor and group therapy. I was in the group portion for about a year, and have been seeing my counselor now for three years. She is a blessing in my life and I don't know what I would do without her! I will be starting up a more advanced version of the group therapy in September.

This is just an overview of what I have experienced over the past four years. I will continue to post more experiences and daily accounts as a way to cope with my BPD, educate others and offer comfort to others with BPD.

~ Allyssa

Bibliography and More Info on BPD:
(1) http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/borderline-personality-disorder-topic-overview
(2) http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm